When I and the world were young, my professional writing career got its start with a tiny piece in The Dragon, the D&D magazine from TSR Hobbies. This was my writeup of a humorous cursed magic item, The Rod of Singing, appearing in their Bazaar of the Bizarre column. They paid me money for it!
In the end, I sold them three magic items in 1980 and 1981, reproduced below. I went on to write many other articles and eventually a whole book, Through Dungeons Deep: A Fantasy Gamers’ Handbook (Reston Publishing, 1981, reprinted much later by my under my Norton Creek Press label).
Rod of Singing
by Robert Plamondon, The Dragon #37, May, 1980
The Rod of Singing is a magical item usable by both Clerics and Magic-Users, although neither class will appreciate its charms.
When discovered, the Rod behaves like some useful rod (pick one from Greyhawk or DMG, but between five and 30 minutes after picking up this device, the magician or Cleric will begin to wave it as if conducting an imaginary band, singing loudly and off-key. This noise has a one-third chance per turn of attracting wandering monsters and, if the monsters are intelligent, with a -1 reaction penalty due to the poor music quality.
The rod prevents the casting of spells by interfering with speaking and gesturing. It adheres magically to the hand and can be removed only by a Remove Curse or Wish spell. The person under the rod’s control will continue singing as long as he is conscious and will resist attempts to knock him out.
Bell of Pavlov
By Robert Plamondon, Dragon #45, January 1981
The Bell of Pavlov appears to be a small silver handbell, but when rung it causes those within a 30-foot radius to salivate uncontrollably.
The rate of salivation is too high to allow speaking and thus makes casting spells with verbal components impossible.
In addition, there is a 20% chance that people affected by the bell will suddenly decide to have a meal, even when currently engaged in combat.
Experience point value: 1,000
Gold piece sale value: 3,500
Ruby Slippers
By Robert Plamondon, Dragon #45, January 1981
These magical slippers are bright red in color. They allow the wearer to teleport to his or her home by clicking the heels together three times and murmuring, “There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.”
Ruby slippers cannot be removed intact from the feet (once they are put on) until the owner dies or a Wish or Limited Wish spell is cast. They are nearly indestructible and save on the Item Saving Throw Matrix as Hard Metal, with an extra + 2 on the roll. They also give the wearer immunity to foot ailments.
The Slippers can only be used once per day. They can transport the wearer and up to 2,000 gold pieces in weight of living and/or nonliving matter; but only to the wearer’s true home (where the heart is). The activation routine takes two segments.
Ruby Slippers are usable by all character classes.
Experience point value: 1,000
Gold piece sale value: 5,000